Couples and Relationship Therapy
For the conversation you keep starting and never finishing.
Book a free 15-minute callMost couples don’t come in after one big thing. They come in after four years of the same argument wearing different clothes. You know the shape of it before it starts. You can predict the opening line, the middle, and exactly where it lands. It happens anyway.
Or nothing is wrong, exactly. You’re kind to each other. You run the household well. You just don’t reach for each other anymore, and neither of you wants to be the first to say so out loud.
Usually one person books the appointment and the other agrees to come. That’s a normal way to start.
What people come in with
- The same fight on repeat, about something that was never really the subject.
- An affair, a hidden account, a secret that came out. Or one that hasn’t.
- You became parents, and somewhere in there you stopped being a couple.
- One of you wants more closeness, one of you wants more room, and you each feel like the unreasonable one.
- A decision you can’t make together: a move, a job, a baby, a parent who needs care.
- Sex has turned into a scoreboard, or into a subject you both route around.
- You’re trying to decide whether to stay.
What to expect in couples therapy
A couples therapist isn’t a referee. Your therapist won’t decide who’s right, and won’t be the tiebreaker you’ve each been quietly hoping for. The work is to slow the conversation down enough that you can both hear what’s underneath it.
Most couples aren’t fighting about the dishes, the text message, or your mother. They’re fighting about whether they still matter to each other. That’s the level we work at.
The first session is mostly history and orientation: how you met, when things shifted, and what each of you is hoping for. Your therapist may occasionally meet with one partner individually when it serves the work. From there we’re looking for the pattern, and then we’re interrupting it.
If your partner won’t come
You don’t need your partner in the room to work on your relationship.
People come alone when a partner refuses, when they’re deciding whether to leave, when the same pattern has followed them through three relationships, or when the relationship that’s hurting is with a parent, a sibling, or an adult child.
That work is real, and it changes things at home more often than people expect. You can also learn more about starting with individual therapy.
Finding the right therapist for the two of you
Couples work is particular. A therapist who is excellent with individuals isn’t automatically the right person to sit between two people mid-argument, and the fit matters more here than in almost any other kind of therapy.
Our clinicians work in person and online across California. When you reach out, we’ll ask what’s going on and match you with the therapist on our team best suited to it. If the fit isn’t right after a session or two, say so and we’ll move you. That’s a normal request, not an awkward one.
Before you reach out
Nothing is really wrong with us. Is couples therapy still useful?
Yes, and those are often the most productive rounds of work we do. Couples who come in before a crisis aren’t repairing damage, so the sessions go toward the things that get postponed for years: how you make decisions together, what you each need that you’ve never quite asked for, how you’ll handle the pressure that’s coming. Waiting until something breaks makes the work longer and harder. You don’t need a reason that sounds serious enough.
Does couples therapy work if only one of us wants to be here?
Often, yes. Reluctance isn’t the same as refusal. Plenty of people arrive skeptical in the first session and become engaged in the work. What matters is that the reluctant partner comes as themselves rather than as a favor.
How many sessions will this take?
It depends on how long the pattern has been running and whether there’s an active injury like an affair. Most couples do meaningful work over four to nine months of weekly sessions; focused work may be shorter, and long-standing injuries often take longer. We’d rather give you a real estimate after a few sessions than a number now.
Can we do this online?
Yes, anywhere in California. Some couples do better in person, particularly early on. We can talk about which fits.
We’re not married. Is this still for us?
Yes. We work with people who are dating, engaged, married, or in long-term relationships, including queer, intercultural, and interfaith couples and partners preparing for marriage.
Starting
A 15-minute call, no cost, no obligation. You tell us what’s going on, we tell you whether we’re the right fit, and you decide from there.
Book a free 15-minute callNot sure your partner will agree to come? Book anyway. We’ll start with you.